i took a long time to start this blog entry.
i just sat infront of my computer staring at the empty blog page,
wondering what else am i left to say.

yes, we were defeated.
in the interclass debate finals on the 23rd february 2006,
infront of the entire school during assembly,
we were defeated.
and just by a mere one and a half marks.

i know i should have more sportsmanship in this,
and take on it easy,
and let go of it easy too.

but it really isnt that easy,
to just let it go,
and accept the fact that we lost,
that we were defeated.

already two days has passed,
but i still have yet to get over it.
at least,
not yet.
not so soon.

defeat,
everyone has been defeated.
i have been defeated several times too.

it hurts,
because we spent so much effort in this.
it hurts,
because we forsake all our tests and work just to prepare for this.
it hurts,
because we havent been able to catch any sleep at all for the previous few nights before the debate.
it hurts,
because we put so much hope in this.
it hurts,
because we brought up stage with us the anxieties, hopes, well-wishes, lucks, hard work, and support of so many people.
and it hurts so bad,
because we lost after all of that, and we let so many people down.

im sorry to my girlfriend,
for having to stay up with me for so many nights,
for going through with me all my anxieties and shit that i had in preparation for the debate,
for having to counsel me and give me advices and to endure all the shit and crying i throw at her before and after the debate.
and ontop of enduring all these shit,
to have to give me the mental support and all the moral support i need because without her i would have broken down completely.
and for coming all the way down to school just to support me in the debate.

im sorry to my beloved sister,
who stayed up just to help edit our scripts,
who put in so much hard work and effort to support us and to give us all the advice and notes and help that we have ever needed,
to listen to the way we spoke and to correct us in every way that she could.
and to come down all the way to school to give us the support,
and even had to endure mrs tian's threatens to kick her out of the hall if she does not stop discussing the debate and write down notes and rebuttals and try to pass it to us.

im sorry to my debators,
because i screwed up so badly in the finals where i could have done so much better.
and if i hadn't screwed up so badly we might have gotten back the 1.5 marks,
and we might have won.
and for forsaking all the tests and work just for this debate,
and for staying over at manpin's house the day before to prepare for the debate,
and for losing so much sleep over this.
because this is teamwork,
and every member is equally important,
and every member's performance in affecting the final score is equally heavy.
and i could have done better,
so so much better.

im sorry to my advisors manpin and jacintha,
because if you both had taken my place up stage instead of me,
we might have won.
and for spending so much effort to help us during the course and in the process of the debate.
and for working so hard to win the preliminary rounds,
and to let me take over in the end and screw it up so badly.
and especially to manpin for letting us crash her house the day before,
and to stay up with us and lose so much sleep,
where she could have been studying for the two tests on that day.
and for skipping wwe on tv to help us.
where she could have relaxed and slept much earlier.
and for supporting us all the way.

im sorry to my entire class, sec 4 unity,
for having to face disappointment because we lost.
for spending so much time to do the banner "Go 4 unity!",
for screaming their lungs out during the assembly to show their support.
and be the first class to reach the hall.
and also for sticking by us and standing up for us when outsiders criticise us for being so lousy,
and for having been such good supporters,
and letting me see the true spirit of what it really means by class spirit.

im sorry to mrs chan, our form teacher and english teacher,
who is equally haunted by the debate as the rest of us are,
because she once told me she woke up in the middle of the night at 2am because she suddenly thought about a point that we could use, and couldnt get back to sleep after that.
and the way she'd grab the debators when she crosses paths with us in the school to tell us about some new points she thought or some analogy etc.
and for having so much faith in us,
and for supporting us all the way through.

im sorry to all the supporters,
whether its from my class, or other classes.
anyone who had faith in 4unity,
and anyone who supported 4unity to win.

im sorry to everyone,
because of the way i let all of you down.

and i don't think i could ever find anyone else as sweet as her,
who come rushing down to visit me the moment i said i was feeling down.
even though it's her exam period.

and i don't think i could ever find anyone else as caring as her,
who offered to come down to toapayoh to look for me the moment she hear me cry over the phone.
and not hesistating to so do even though she had to wait for two hours at toapayoh central for my tuition to end,
and even though she is already quite far behind in studying for her exams.

and i don't think i could ever find anyone else as loving as her,
who sprung a pleasant surprise on me by buying me my favourites,
roses and cakes,
just to see me smile again.

and making sure with an extra effort,
to get me the biggest rose available there.

and i don't think i could ever find anyone else as adoringly silly as her,
to stay with me all the way till 4am in the morning to make sure i felt allright,
and to watch me do my work even though she was terribly sleepy,
and she desperately need a sleep after losing sleep for so many days to study for her exams.
after which im finally feeling better and have finished doing my work, when she called a cab and only reached home at an unearthly hour of 4.40am in the morning,
giving me a call to check that im fine before going to bed.

and i don't think i could ever find anyone else as perfect as her,
in every single thing that she does for me,
and in every single bit of what she is.

thank you babe, for always being there.

the tension gets strung higher and higher
and you feel everything's closing in,
caving in,
walls pulling themselves closer to each other.

you find yourself running and running,
down and down and across the lane,
and walls close in behind you,
like the reverse motion of the parting red sea.

you run you run you run,
you pant and pespire.
"stop it!" you shout,
but no one hears you.
the waves that are crashing are not just drowning your voice,
they are drowning you in as well.

you run you run you run,
"count the median mark from the left of the graph!"
"and if you dont do your work and you dont listen, the one that's going to suffer in the end is you"
"i seriously havent done anything productive all day long"
"it would be nice if you could, once in your life to at least pass a chem test once."
"ill be giving out homework am8 today, and to those who owe me em4, em5, am1, am2, am3, am5, am6, am7, and am8, could you please hand them up to me."
"its really not that difficult to pass a maths test"
"so, how many tests have you had this week?"
"and have you even begun to do anything for it at all?"
"i cant sleep tonight i cant sleep tonight i gotta finish everything.."

and you run you run you run,
voices screaming from all four corners and from within,
walls continue crashing into you like frantic waves rushing down.
and they chase you,
right at your heel.

and you run you run you run.
"stop it!"
you shouted at the top of your lungs,
and you get swept off your feet into the merciless sea
and you struggle to get up,
get out of the water.
you kick, you flap your arms around,
you scream into the water,
you choke and loses your balance.

and everything stops moving in that macrosecond.

its been a long time since i last blogged.
havent switched on the comp for a long time already.
allright, maybe it wasnt that long.

it just felt long because so many things happened.

yup, happy new year everyone.

and i love the way our bodies connect when we dance together.
it was a blast on the 27th night,
credits to my baby.
i have never been able to connect myself so much with someone when i dance.
and its even sexier when my partner's the girl that i love with all my heart and soul.
and she dances just so well. (:

and imagine in the middle of the night,
at one two am,
when you fall asleep beside your phone waiting for a call from her,
you wake up when someone opens your door
and you see her standing at your door walking towards you.
you get patted to bed,
slowly
slowly
slowly
with the silence of the night
the cool from the aircon
with her sitting next to you on your bed
slowly
slowly
slowly
patting you back to bed.
and you fell into a deep deep sleep.
and she leaves.

my sweet baby,
have i ever told you how sweet you are?

and after indulging in haagen dazs cookies and cream with you couching infront of the tv today,
i still get to see you tomorrow again.

you my baby,
is the reason why i live.



and eminem's music lifts my soul.
cookies and cream icecream rocks my socks.

and the debate finals topic rocks my socks even more.

This house believes that parents should be held responsible when their children breaks the law.

we're the proposition.

and i dont even have any idea how to start.